Original source (on modern site)
The season 49 finale of Saturday Night Live opened with a message from James Austin Johnson's Donald Trump. Airing from "his new home, the barricades outside of a Manhattan courthouse," Trump confessed to his supporters that he hasn't been loving the past few weeks. "They say very mean things about me while I'm trying to sleep," he complained, before insisting that he would love to testify in court himself. "I'm not afraid to testify at all. I'm just not going to, out of fear. You see, they do a terrible thing when you testify, which is they write it down, and we don't like that…" As he talked, a member of the jury (played by cast member Sarah Sherman) walked on stage. She quickly realized she was on camera, panicked, and walked off. "Oh, that was a juror, did you see her face?" Trump said. "Everyone just saw her face and now her life is over, folks. My people are going to screenshot her face and dox her to hell. Oh, we love to dox." Trump introduced viewers to some recent GOP figures who've been in the news a lot lately, from South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott to "the late great Hannibal Lecter," whom Trump famously praised at a recent rally. In the middle of his guests was cast member Heidi Gardner's Kristi Noem, the South Dakota governor who shot her own dog and bragged about it in her new book. Noem walked on stage holding a gun in one hand and a dog in the other. "I'm kidding, it's a fake dog," she said, "but it's a real gun." Trump mulled over the pros and cons of making her vice president: "You know, Kristi could be an interesting pick for VP, because on one hand, she shot a dog, which you really can't do… But on the other hand, she shot a dog, which is pretty awesome." "I kill goats too," Noem bragged, and Trump had to gently urge her off stage, telling her, "Okay, you're making it worse, sweetie." With all the guests gone, Trump promised viewers that he has another Jan. 6-style insurrection attempt planned, this time in July. "Gonna be fun to see all those guys back at the Capitol, but this time in shorts," he said. The former president finished his message with one final plea: "Just remember: if you're tired about hearing about all of my trials, all you gotta do is vote for me, and it'll all go away."